Dear Rita,

My husband of 9 months lost his job in October and since then it feels as though he has taken up residency in an alternate universe where time is a construct and reality is a suggestion. He had a 2 month consulting gig with a start up that was meant to become a full time role but they went in a different direction.

He is now living a life of luxury, waking up at 11am and spending 10 hours or more a day talking to an AI agent he built and named Fred. He refers to Fred as “us” and describes their relationship as “synergistic” which I find a bit disheartening. 

He spends his days and nights building AI agents, AI art and businesses he never executes then proceeds to sleep all day. He is applying for jobs so i’ll give him that but he won’t even consider taking on bridge work to bring in some money. I am working two jobs at the moment to pay down debt faster. He has savings but I am carrying most of the financial burden.

When I try to bring up timelines or any form of a plan he gets frustrated so I shut down and avoid the subject all together. 

How can I get him out of the technology rut and get back on track with our lives?

Sincerely,
Worn Out and Wondering 

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Dear Worn Out, 

I do not say this lightly but your husband is building a distraction, not a future and it’s time to set him straight. 

Having to deal with a problem of this nature less than a year into a marriage is not for the faint of heart. Rather than coping with the loss of his job and I am assuming his “manhood”, he wraps himself in distraction and shiny new toys to avoid the hard stuff. Great that he is looking for a job and maybe keep the critiques to yourself for the time being. Neither he nor you want you to have to step into the role of being his mother. 

Now, for the business ideas. I am not against ambition, I have known plenty of brilliant men, even a few actually deserving of the title. But brilliance without discipline and work is just theater. If he has savings and an action plan then that’s great. But savings are not a retirement plan for unrealized fantasy.

As for you sweetpea, it is time to look at what you want from life and from marriage. There will be times in marriage when you are holding your partner up and vice versa but if one person is drowning while the other is coasting, from experience I can tell you, that is a disaster waiting to happen. 7 months is a long time to be the only one contributing the majority to the household. Make a list of what you want to accomplish in the next 6 months and see how your husband fits into it. Give him a deadline to find a job, any job and begin contributing to the household again. No argument, no discussions of his AI friends. Drop the deadline, have an open and calm conversation about it and watch what happens. Decide what the real consequence is going to be if he doesn’t respect the deadline and follow through on it. I gave husband #1 six months to get his stuff together and when he didn’t I left. Your consequence doesn’t have to be so extreme but it has to be upheld. Love him, yes. Enable him, hell no. 

Chin up Worn Out, whatever the outcome you will clearly be fine. 

– Rita Fairchild

The author is not a trained professional and the above advice is for entertainment purposes only. All names and identifying information have been changed to protect privacy. The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views or opinions of Osé Magazine or Osé Omni Media.