Dear Rita,

I am completely baffled with a friendship that used to mean the world to me.

My closest friend is, to put it simply, flakey and unreliable. When she does decide to show up for things she shows up late. From my perspective, it seems she always has time for everyone

I am at my wit’s end with a friendship that used to mean the world to me.

My best friend is, quite simply, flaky and unreliable. She always seems to make time for everyone else, but when it comes to me, I am left waiting, following up, and making excuses for her. She has been late often, and now that she has a new boyfriend, I hardly see her at all. I’m glad she’s happy, and I actually like him, but I can’t help feeling as though I have been quietly pushed to the side.

When I finally told her about how I was feeling, she apologized and promised she would do better but sadly nothing has changed.

Now I am unsure of what to do. I care about her very much and I don’t want to lose the friendship, but I am really tired of feeling disappointed and like I care too much about something that doesn’t really mean anything to her. How do you deal with someone you love and care about, who keeps saying the right things but never follows through?

Sincerely,

Fed up but Holding On

---

Dear Fed Up,

You are dealing with a priority problem and in a friendship these things happen more often than not.

Often times, whether they mean to or not our friends tell us through their actions exactly where we rank in their lives. We can all excuse a new love taking a friend’s time and attention elsewhere, that’s normal and healthy as long as they don’t abandon their friendships completely. We have all been in the honeymoon phase and forgotten to check in like we should but, this seems to be a problem pre-dating your girlfriend’s new beau. She apologizes, promises improvement and then returns to the same hurtful behaviour without putting in the effort because the apology is easier than effort. Which is very convenient for her and very exhausting for you.

That being said, I do not think you should throw your friendship away over a few late arrivals and a new boyfriend. This however seems to be a pattern and one that is causing you distress, my dear. The message then becomes clear: she is willing to enjoy your loyalty all while giving you very little of her own.

Here is what I would do if I were you: stop chasing her down.

Darling, you simply must pull back, not out of spite or in an attempt to get her attention, in a way that protects you and your gentle heart. Let the true nature of the relationship reveal itself to you. You may be surprised by her ability to step up or you may not, but your time and energy won’t be exasperated by making plans and getting stood up. That habit wears down trust in a relationship the way a slow leak ruins a wood floor.

Bravo to you for doing the grown up thing by telling her how you feel. That takes courage a lot of people don’t have. You’ve done the work and now if she wants to access you, she can make the effort as well. This isn’t about being petty and if you take this approach make sure that you come to the meeting with an open heart and mind; no resentment. Be polite, be warm and observe to see if a new pattern emerges.

In the meantime, focus on your other friendships (I am assuming you have others) and take stock of who in your life gives what they get from you. No relationship is purely transactional and there will be times where you invest more in a friendship than the other and vice versa but balance is key.

Fed Up, I have no doubt you are a beautiful woman both inside and out but you are no shiny toy in someone else’s life to bring out to play with as they please.

— Rita Fairchild

The author is not a trained professional and the above advice is for entertainment purposes only. All names and identifying information have been changed to protect privacy. The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views or opinions of Osé Magazine or Osé Omni Media.