Dear Rita, 

I’m writing from the middle of what was supposed to be a dream family vacation and now feels like a very expensive case study in why people travel alone. 

I’m 36, married, with a five-year-old daughter. Growing up, my parents never had the time or money to travel, so we mostly did day trips near the house. Now that my partner and I are doing well financially, I thought it would be meaningful to invite my parents and younger brother on a week-long trip to the coast, our treat, so they could finally have a “real” vacation

On paper, it sounded great and easy: rent a house near the ocean, cook together, let my daughter build sand castles with her grandparents and make some solid family memories. In reality, I have somehow ended up hiding in the closet at 3am writing to you in desperation. 

From the beginning, my mom immediately started talking about how we will plan one big activity per day, a museum, a boat tour, hiking and more. I can barely get her to go on a walk with me at home and now she is a world explorer. My dad has said nothing other than a few grumbles here and there to make his disapproval clear. And my little brother just keeps “going with the flow” because he’s happy to not be the one paying for anything. 

My husband and I had a different idea of what this trip would be: slow mornings, maybe two or three planned activities during the week and a lot of unstructured family bonding time. We also know our daughter and she is a great traveler but being dragged around from 8am – 8pm would turn her into a very small, very loud little monster. I tried to explain this to my mom who laughed it off and said “Oh, she’ll be fine, kids love this kind of stuff. 

Fast forward to the actual trip and my mom is waking everyone up at 6am as to “not waste the day” and my dad is yelling at her before anyone has had coffee. My daughter is upset because everyone is upset and my hopes of a lovely family bonding trip filled with memories for my daughter, has caught fire and gasoline has been poured onto it. 

Now my partner is understandably frustrated, my daughter keeps asking why Grandma is “mad,” and I am oscillating between guilt and resentment. I also feel foolish: I’m paying for most of this trip, but I feel like I’m not allowed to have boundaries or preferences without being accused of ruining everything.  

I want to salvage what’s left of this week but I also suspect we need to rethink what “family vacation” means in the future. Is there a way to honor where my parents are coming from without sacrificing my own sanity in the process?

Signed,  

Overbooked and Overwhelmed  

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Dear Overbooked and Overwhelmed, 

Let’s start with you are not foolish for wanting to give your family something you never had. You also have no reason to feel guilty that you are feeling furious that your “gift” is currently a chaotic beach hellscape fully equipped with a 3am closet cry (I am assuming). 

Multigenerational trips often implode exactly the way you are describing. One person quietly funs and organizes everything while everyone else either sits back and butchers or reorganizes the entire thing to their liking taking no one else into consideration. That feeling of wanting to become a solo traveller, honey, I’ve been there and I am now writing to you from a quiet beach in Dakhla, Morocco, alone! Being overbooked and overwhelmed on a “vacation” is not what you deserve and everyone needs to understand that. Wanting slower mornings and a sane pace for your daughter is fair and responsible parenting: not selfish.

Now we aren’t going to rewrite your entire family history in a week, but you can change what you and your partner and daughter do from tomorrow onward. Instead of arguing about your mother’s agenda, calmly tell her “We are going to have a slow morning, then meet you at X activity after lunch,” and stick to your statements. It’s healthy and your mother should understand. If necessary split the group and give your daughter some time with her Uncle, then Grandpa, etc. This is the beauty of a family vacation, you get to do things as the full group and have side quests with each other to create memories and laugh together. 

When your mother implies you’re “ruining everything” by having boundaries, remember that her disappointment is about her hopes and regrets and has nothing to do with you. Easier said than done, I know! This trip means a lot to both of you and make that clear to her and let her know that it needs to work for you both, not just for her and her excitement. That being said you are not responsible for regulating the emotions of three grown humans. 

Looking ahead, you’re right that the “family vacation” needs a new definition or at the very least you need to discuss expectations upfront. Be honest with your parents and brother, Overbooked, and just be realistic about what you can handle and communicate those limits clearly.

For now, you are here, in the closet, not sleeping, so try to salvage these moments. Aim for function not perfection. Have a calm breakfast and invite everyone to join at 9am or even 10 because people who get up at 6am on vacation are nuts and not our kind of people. Build the sandcastle on the beach with your daughter, have a quiet dinner that you all cook together. Force no one and change not a single plan for anyone, pouting or not. 

This trip may not look like the fantasy you had in your mind, but it can still teach you something invaluable and these moments are precious no matter how dysfunctional they may seem. At the end of the day when your hair has all gone grey, what you will remember, doll, are the memories you made and the laughter you shared. 

But overbooked, the next vacation is a solo trip. No excuses! Maybe you can bring your daughter but that’s it! Leave these people at home for the next one and catch them down the line. 

— Rita Fairchild

The author is not a trained professional and the above advice is for entertainment purposes only. All names and identifying information have been changed to protect privacy. The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views or opinions of Osé Magazine or Osé Omni Media.