Dear Rita,
I am a 22 year old woman from a suburban town outside of San Francisco. My boyfriend and I have been together since high school and I’ve been thinking about our future together but nothing seems to be crossing his mind. He talks about having kids from time to time, even saying he wants one this year, but never mentions marriage or gets annoyed when I mention it. While I don’t think we should get married until our mid 20’s, 3-4 years from now, I want to know we are on the same page and make sure he knows I want to be married before having children.
After mentioning he wanted to have a kid this year I just asked him straight, “Then when are we getting married?” He just said he’d rather have kids first. When I pressed him further he said it’s not a life goal of his and if it happens it happens. I feel like this is an answer men give to keep you on the line but never truly commit. I told him I didn’t like this answer and that if he wants to be with me marriage has to be on the table. He took this as an ultimatum but I was just speaking my mind. I want to be a wife, a priority. Not a baby mama.
I called him to ask if we could meet because I was set on breaking up with him since we weren’t on the same page. He explained he was afraid of marriage because his friend had gotten everything taken from him in his divorce. He said he felt a prenup was a fair compromise and I settled with that.
Now a few days have passed and I am thinking about it. I’m studying to become a teacher, he’s still figuring out his career goals, so we are both broke. When he talks about buying a house he calls it his house and wants to put it in his name. It feels like he doesn’t see us building a life together but rather he’s building his life and I’m building mine.
I know we’re still young and there is time but I don’t know. I feel like I deserve better than to be someone’s roommate. He’s my first love and I’ve always imagined my future with him so this is all very sad to me.
Am I just being immature or should I look for what I really want in someone else?
Sincerely,
Marriage Minded in Marin
Dear Marriage Minded,
I have two opinions if you feel you have to get married. Get the first one done young and get it over with quickly while you’re both still broke, my personal favorite, or wait until your frontal lobe has fully developed and you have your own money.
I fully understand the desire to be some man’s wife. I’ve been there at a similar age, the only difference (I’m assuming) is mine had a French accent. You mentioned being a wife makes you a priority. Well, babydoll I hate bursting your bubble but I’m afraid I must for your own good. Being someone’s wife doesn’t automatically make you someone’s priority. Ask the majority of wives on the planet. We love to think of marriage as a fix to a bad relationship but it’s actually a trap. If your soon to be, backed-into-a-corner husband isn’t putting you first now, planning to put houses he can’t even afford in his own name, marriage won’t solve that problem it will only make it more expensive to leave.
At 22 I would never expect you to have your career goals figured out yet. What your beau does have figured out though at this ripe age is, a plan to screw you in a divorce before you’ve even got a ring on your finger. Listen to me when I tell you Marriage, that ain’t a good sign. That’s not a sign of a person you want to marry or have children with. That’s not a man who is expressing acknowledgement of the copious amounts of unpaid labor women do or the little ways you make his life brighter. That’s the sign of a man who is going to take advantage of you at the first opportunity he gets.
The voice in your head saying “Maybe I deserve better.” Should be screaming at this point. You are correct in that you deserve better than this but not because you dream of marriage because you deserve a partner in that marriage.
I’ve been married and I have been single and I can promise you the more you enjoy your single years, the more prepared you’ll be for your married ones and to find a person who is deserving of you. Marriage is a wonderful thing to the right person and an inescapable nightmare with the wrong one. If it weren’t your dream I’d say avoid it altogether but since you really want it, for god’s sake Marriage, don’t do it with this bozo!
— Rita Fairchild
The author of this advice column is not a trained professional and the above advice is for entertainment purposes only. All names and identifying information have been changed to protect privacy. The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views or opinions of Osé Magazine or Osé Omni Media.
