Dear Rita, 

I am a married woman of 15 years with three children ages, 5, 9 and 11. I am writing because what may seem like a small issue with my husband, who is about 10 years older than me, has become a source of daily distress, resentment and quite frankly, exhaustion. 

My husband has always been an early riser, I have never been. He regularly wakes at 3 am and leaves for work by 4 or 4:30 in the morning. I, on the other hand, have (and love) been a night owl. My mother worked in healthcare and our family adapted to her schedule so we could spend time with her in the evenings. Our clocks have been off since we met and it has never been truly accepted by him. 

We are fortunate to have flexible work schedules, so there is no practical need for me to wake before the sun like he does. Despite this, my husband seems unable and unwilling to let me sleep when he is awake. On mornings when he leaves before me and on our days off, he consistently wakes me up. He does so in ways that permit him innocence: slamming drawers, turning on bright lights, turning the TV on at full volume or making excessive noise while getting ready. It has become a pattern that has even involved our children. He has woken the children early and “accidentally” allowed them to run in and jump on me to wake me up while “his back is turned”. I spent 2.5 years working through a demanding master’s program and when I asked for one morning to sleep in to recover, he woke me up at 4am. 

I have asked him repeatedly, calmly and directly to let me sleep in, especially when I am not feeling well. Even as recent as last night, having had a migraine for the last three days. I begged him to be quiet in the morning out of desperation. Instead, he stomped around, woke me up and then cheerfully kissed my forehead and said goodbye as if nothing had happened. 

When I confront him he insists I am overreacting and claims he is trying to be quiet which I find hard to believe. I am a deep sleeper and never woken easily, so this feels very deliberate. 

I am at a breaking point. The lack of sleep is affecting my health, my mood and my ability to function. I feel disrespected, dismissed and at times, almost controlled. We are currently in marriage counselling but this issue has not been resolved and I am seriously contemplating divorce. 

I never imagined I would be in a position where I am seriously considering divorce over something that sounds as trivial as sleep. Yet here I am, wondering how to explain to others that my husband simply will not let me rest. Am I overreacting or is this as serious as it feels? And what can I do when repeated conversations and not even counseling have worked? 

Sincerely, 

Exhausted and Losing It

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Dear Exhausted,

Let me start by saying sleep is an essential part of health, as you seem to well know. Studies are beginning to show, lack of sleep is worse on your body than chronic drug use, if that helps to put things into perspective. That is simple to say, my dear, that this is not a trivial issue and you are not overreacting. 

Your husband can be an early bird if he would like, that’s his problem to contend with. Although I have never seen the point in rising before the sun. The only time one should be seeing 3am on their clock is, on their way home from a fabulous night out of debauchery, in my opinion. The problem that is standing out for me is that you have asked him repeatedly and to no avail to let you sleep in. That, Exhausted, is unacceptable. 

A good partner is your safe place to land, one who lightens the load when needed. What you have is a man child who wants you to be awake, to entertain him at best and to control you at worst and has chosen to weaponize your children in his efforts against you. The other part of this I don’t love for you Exhausted, is that is acting as if you are the crazy one for the accusations. 

Now, Exhausted here is a moment where you are going to have to get real. First, if you chose to dump your nincompoop of a husband, it is no one’s damn business what your reason is and those who love you will completely understand why, if they even question it at all. Sometimes a lot of us friends are waiting in the wings to gather around our girls because we see the inevitable fall coming. While it is about the sleep, it’s also about the disrespect and the lack of empathy towards you, that is the true reason. Second, really take stock in what is happening in your marriage, take a step back, see if this is what you would want for a friend or a sister. I am sure if you look, there is more missing than a solid eight hours. 

If you take a look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, physiological needs are the base, meaning they are what it takes to be a functioning human being and those include food, air, water, shelter, clothing, reproduction and sleep. His denial of one of your basic needs is cause for alarm and I am sure doing much more damage to your daily life than you realize. 

It may seem hard or trivial now, Exhausted, but after a few goodnight’s sleep you’ll be glad you ditched the dope for the rest your so desperately need.

Sweet Dreams,

— Rita Fairchild

The author of this advice column is not a trained professional and the above advice is for entertainment purposes only. All names and identifying information have been changed to protect privacy. The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views or opinions of Osé Magazine or Osé Omni Media.